[Several adventurers that happened to the author. The execution of
a criminal. The author shows his skill in navigation.]

I should have lived happy enough in that country, if my littleness
had not exposed me to several ridiculous and troublesome accidents;
some of which I shall venture to relate. Glumdalclitch often
carried me into the gardens of the court in my smaller box, and
would sometimes take me out of it, and hold me in her hand, or set
me down to walk. I remember, before the dwarf left the queen, he
followed us one day into those gardens, and my nurse having set me
down, he and I being close together, near some dwarf apple trees, I
must needs show my wit, by a silly allusion between him and the
trees, which happens to hold in their language as it does in ours.
Whereupon, the malicious rogue, watching his opportunity, when I
was walking under one of them, shook it directly over my head, by
which a dozen apples, each of them near as large as a Bristol
barrel, came tumbling about my ears; one of them hit me on the back
as I chanced to stoop, and knocked me down flat on my face; but I
received no other hurt, and the dwarf was pardoned at my desire,
because I had given the provocation.

Another day, Glumdalclitch left me on a smooth grass-plot to divert
myself, while she walked at some distance with her governess. In
the meantime, there suddenly fell such a violent shower of hail,
that I was immediately by the force of it, struck to the ground:
and when I was down, the hailstones gave me such cruel bangs all
over the body, as if I had been pelted with tennis-balls; however,
I made a shift to creep on all fours, and shelter myself, by lying
flat on my face, on the lee-side of a border of lemon-thyme, but so
bruised from head to foot, that I could not go abroad in ten days.
Neither is this at all to be wondered at, because nature, in that
country, observing the same proportion through all her operations,
a hailstone is near eighteen hundred times as large as one in
Europe; which I can assert upon experience, having been so curious
as to weigh and measure them.

But a more dangerous accident happened to me in the same garden,
when my little nurse, believing she had put me in a secure place
(which I often entreated her to do, that I might enjoy my own
thoughts,) and having left my box at home, to avoid the trouble of
carrying it, went to another part of the garden with her governess
and some ladies of her acquaintance. While she was absent, and out
of hearing, a small white spaniel that belonged to one of the chief
gardeners, having got by accident into the garden, happened to
range near the place where I lay: the dog, following the scent,
came directly up, and taking me in his mouth, ran straight to his
master wagging his tail, and set me gently on the ground. By good
fortune he had been so well taught, that I was carried between his
teeth without the least hurt, or even tearing my clothes. But the
poor gardener, who knew me well, and had a great kindness for me,
was in a terrible fright: he gently took me up in both his hands,
and asked me how I did? but I was so amazed and out of breath, that
I could not speak a word. In a few minutes I came to myself, and
he carried me safe to my little nurse, who, by this time, had
returned to the place where she left me, and was in cruel agonies
when I did not appear, nor answer when she called. She severely
reprimanded the gardener on account of his dog. But the thing was
hushed up, and never known at court, for the girl was afraid of the
queen's anger; and truly, as to myself, I thought it would not be
for my reputation, that such a story should go about.

This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch never to trust me
abroad for the future out of her sight. I had been long afraid of
this resolution, and therefore concealed from her some little
unlucky adventures, that happened in those times when I was left by
myself. Once a kite, hovering over the garden, made a stoop at me,
and if I had not resolutely drawn my hanger, and run under a thick
espalier, he would have certainly carried me away in his talons.
Another time, walking to the top of a fresh mole-hill, I fell to my
neck in the hole, through which that animal had cast up the earth,
and coined some lie, not worth remembering, to excuse myself for
spoiling my clothes. I likewise broke my right shin against the
shell of a snail, which I happened to stumble over, as I was
walking alone and thinking on poor England.

I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mortified to observe,
in those solitary walks, that the smaller birds did not appear to
be at all afraid of me, but would hop about within a yard's
distance, looking for worms and other food, with as much
indifference and security as if no creature at all were near them.
I remember, a thrush had the confidence to snatch out of my hand,
with his bill, a of cake that Glumdalclitch had just given me for
my breakfast. When I attempted to catch any of these birds, they
would boldly turn against me, endeavouring to peck my fingers,
which I durst not venture within their reach; and then they would
hop back unconcerned, to hunt for worms or snails, as they did
before. But one day, I took a thick cudgel, and threw it with all
my strength so luckily, at a linnet, that I knocked him down, and
seizing him by the neck with both my hands, ran with him in triumph
to my nurse. However, the bird, who had only been stunned,
recovering himself gave me so many boxes with his wings, on both
sides of my head and body, though I held him at arm's-length, and
was out of the reach of his claws, that I was twenty times thinking
to let him go. But I was soon relieved by one of our servants, who
wrung off the bird's neck, and I had him next day for dinner, by
the queen's command. This linnet, as near as I can remember,
seemed to be somewhat larger than an English swan.

The maids of honour often invited Glumdalclitch to their
apartments, and desired she would bring me along with her, on
purpose to have the pleasure of seeing and touching me. They would
often strip me naked from top to toe, and lay me at full length in
their bosoms; wherewith I was much disgusted because, to say the
truth, a very offensive smell came from their skins; which I do not
mention, or intend, to the disadvantage of those excellent ladies,
for whom I have all manner of respect; but I conceive that my sense
was more acute in proportion to my littleness, and that those
illustrious persons were no more disagreeable to their lovers, or
to each other, than people of the same quality are with us in
England. And, after all, I found their natural smell was much more
supportable, than when they used perfumes, under which I
immediately swooned away. I cannot forget, that an intimate friend
of mine in Lilliput, took the freedom in a warm day, when I had
used a good deal of exercise, to complain of a strong smell about
me, although I am as little faulty that way, as most of my sex:
but I suppose his faculty of smelling was as nice with regard to
me, as mine was to that of this people. Upon this point, I cannot
forbear doing justice to the queen my mistress, and Glumdalclitch
my nurse, whose persons were as sweet as those of any lady in
England.

That which gave me most uneasiness among these maids of honour
(when my nurse carried me to visit then) was, to see them use me
without any manner of ceremony, like a creature who had no sort of
consequence: for they would strip themselves to the skin, and put
on their smocks in my presence, while I was placed on their toilet,
directly before their naked bodies, which I am sure to me was very
far from being a tempting sight, or from giving me any other
emotions than those of horror and disgust: their skins appeared so
coarse and uneven, so variously coloured, when I saw them near,
with a mole here and there as broad as a trencher, and hairs
hanging from it thicker than packthreads, to say nothing farther
concerning the rest of their persons. Neither did they at all
scruple, while I was by, to discharge what they had drank, to the
quantity of at least two hogsheads, in a vessel that held above
three tuns. The handsomest among these maids of honour, a
pleasant, frolicsome girl of sixteen, would sometimes set me
astride upon one of her nipples, with many other tricks, wherein
the reader will excuse me for not being over particular. But I was
so much displeased, that I entreated Glumdalclitch to contrive some
excuse for not seeing that young lady any more.

One day, a young gentleman, who was nephew to my nurse's governess,
came and pressed them both to see an execution. It was of a man,
who had murdered one of that gentleman's intimate acquaintance.
Glumdalclitch was prevailed on to be of the company, very much
against her inclination, for she was naturally tender-hearted:
and, as for myself, although I abhorred such kind of spectacles,
yet my curiosity tempted me to see something that I thought must be
extraordinary. The malefactor was fixed in a chair upon a scaffold
erected for that purpose, and his head cut off at one blow, with a
sword of about forty feet long. The veins and arteries spouted up
such a prodigious quantity of blood, and so high in the air, that
the great jet d'eau at Versailles was not equal to it for the time
it lasted: and the head, when it fell on the scaffold floor, gave
such a bounce as made me start, although I was at least half an
English mile distant.

The queen, who often used to hear me talk of my sea-voyages, and
took all occasions to divert me when I was melancholy, asked me
whether I understood how to handle a sail or an oar, and whether a
little exercise of rowing might not be convenient for my health? I
answered, that I understood both very well: for although my proper
employment had been to be surgeon or doctor to the ship, yet often,
upon a pinch, I was forced to work like a common mariner. But I
could not see how this could be done in their country, where the
smallest wherry was equal to a first-rate man of war among us; and
such a boat as I could manage would never live in any of their
rivers. Her majesty said, if I would contrive a boat, her own
joiner should make it, and she would provide a place for me to sail
in. The fellow was an ingenious workman, and by my instructions,
in ten days, finished a pleasure-boat with all its tackling, able
conveniently to hold eight Europeans. When it was finished, the
queen was so delighted, that she ran with it in her lap to the
king, who ordered it to be put into a cistern full of water, with
me in it, by way of trial, where I could not manage my two sculls,
or little oars, for want of room. But the queen had before
contrived another project. She ordered the joiner to make a wooden
trough of three hundred feet long, fifty broad, and eight deep;
which, being well pitched, to prevent leaking, was placed on the
floor, along the wall, in an outer room of the palace. It had a
cock near the bottom to let out the water, when it began to grow
stale; and two servants could easily fill it in half an hour. Here
I often used to row for my own diversion, as well as that of the
queen and her ladies, who thought themselves well entertained with
my skill and agility. Sometimes I would put up my sail, and then
my business was only to steer, while the ladies gave me a gale with
their fans; and, when they were weary, some of their pages would
blow my sail forward with their breath, while I showed my art by
steering starboard or larboard as I pleased. When I had done,
Glumdalclitch always carried back my boat into her closet, and hung
it on a nail to dry.

In this exercise I once met an accident, which had like to have
cost me my life; for, one of the pages having put my boat into the
trough, the governess who attended Glumdalclitch very officiously
lifted me up, to place me in the boat: but I happened to slip
through her fingers, and should infallibly have fallen down forty
feet upon the floor, if, by the luckiest chance in the world, I had
not been stopped by a corking-pin that stuck in the good
gentlewoman's stomacher; the head of the pin passing between my
shirt and the waistband of my breeches, and thus I was held by the
middle in the air, till Glumdalclitch ran to my relief.

Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was to fill my
trough every third day with fresh water, was so careless as to let
a huge frog (not perceiving it) slip out of his pail. The frog lay
concealed till I was put into my boat, but then, seeing a resting-
place, climbed up, and made it lean so much on one side, that I was
forced to balance it with all my weight on the other, to prevent
overturning. When the frog was got in, it hopped at once half the
length of the boat, and then over my head, backward and forward,
daubing my face and clothes with its odious slime. The largeness
of its features made it appear the most deformed animal that can be
conceived. However, I desired Glumdalclitch to let me deal with it
alone. I banged it a good while with one of my sculls, and at last
forced it to leap out of the boat.

But the greatest danger I ever underwent in that kingdom, was from
a monkey, who belonged to one of the clerks of the kitchen.
Glumdalclitch had locked me up in her closet, while she went
somewhere upon business, or a visit. The weather being very warm,
the closet-window was left open, as well as the windows and the
door of my bigger box, in which I usually lived, because of its
largeness and conveniency. As I sat quietly meditating at my
table, I heard something bounce in at the closet-window, and skip
about from one side to the other: whereat, although I was much
alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but not stirring from my seat;
and then I saw this frolicsome animal frisking and leaping up and
down, till at last he came to my box, which he seemed to view with
great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the door and every
window. I retreated to the farther corner of my room; or box; but
the monkey looking in at every side, put me in such a fright, that
I wanted presence of mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I
might easily have done. After some time spent in peeping,
grinning, and chattering, he at last espied me; and reaching one of
his paws in at the door, as a cat does when she plays with a mouse,
although I often shifted place to avoid him, he at length seized
the lappet of my coat (which being made of that country silk, was
very thick and strong), and dragged me out. He took me up in his
right fore-foot and held me as a nurse does a child she is going to
suckle, just as I have seen the same sort of creature do with a
kitten in Europe; and when I offered to struggle he squeezed me so
hard, that I thought it more prudent to submit. I have good reason
to believe, that he took me for a young one of his own species, by
his often stroking my face very gently with his other paw. In
these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the closet door,
as if somebody were opening it: whereupon he suddenly leaped up to
the window at which he had come in, and thence upon the leads and
gutters, walking upon three legs, and holding me in the fourth,
till he clambered up to a roof that was next to ours. I heard
Glumdalclitch give a shriek at the moment he was carrying me out.
The poor girl was almost distracted: that quarter of the palace
was all in an uproar; the servants ran for ladders; the monkey was
seen by hundreds in the court, sitting upon the ridge of a
building, holding me like a baby in one of his forepaws, and
feeding me with the other, by cramming into my mouth some victuals
he had squeezed out of the bag on one side of his chaps, and
patting me when I would not eat; whereat many of the rabble below
could not forbear laughing; neither do I think they justly ought to
be blamed, for, without question, the sight was ridiculous enough
to every body but myself. Some of the people threw up stones,
hoping to drive the monkey down; but this was strictly forbidden,
or else, very probably, my brains had been dashed out.

The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several men; which the
monkey observing, and finding himself almost encompassed, not being
able to make speed enough with his three legs, let me drop on a
ridge tile, and made his escape. Here I sat for some time, five
hundred yards from the ground, expecting every moment to be blown
down by the wind, or to fall by my own giddiness, and come tumbling
over and over from the ridge to the eaves; but an honest lad, one
of my nurse's footmen, climbed up, and putting me into his breeches
pocket, brought me down safe.

I was almost choked with the filthy stuff the monkey had crammed
down my throat: but my dear little nurse picked it out of my mouth
with a small needle, and then I fell a-vomiting, which gave me
great relief. Yet I was so weak and bruised in the sides with the
squeezes given me by this odious animal, that I was forced to keep
my bed a fortnight. The king, queen, and all the court, sent every
day to inquire after my health; and her majesty made me several
visits during my sickness. The monkey was killed, and an order
made, that no such animal should be kept about the palace.

When I attended the king after my recovery, to return him thanks
for his favours, he was pleased to rally me a good deal upon this
adventure. He asked me, "what my thoughts and speculations were,
while I lay in the monkey's paw; how I liked the victuals he gave
me; his manner of feeding; and whether the fresh air on the roof
had sharpened my stomach." He desired to know, "what I would have
done upon such an occasion in my own country." I told his majesty,
"that in Europe we had no monkeys, except such as were brought for
curiosity from other places, and so small, that I could deal with a
dozen of them together, if they presumed to attack me. And as for
that monstrous animal with whom I was so lately engaged (it was
indeed as large as an elephant), if my fears had suffered me to
think so far as to make use of my hanger," (looking fiercely, and
clapping my hand on the hilt, as I spoke) "when he poked his paw
into my chamber, perhaps I should have given him such a wound, as
would have made him glad to withdraw it with more haste than he put
it in." This I delivered in a firm tone, like a person who was
jealous lest his courage should be called in question. However, my
speech produced nothing else beside a laud laughter, which all the
respect due to his majesty from those about him could not make them
contain. This made me reflect, how vain an attempt it is for a man
to endeavour to do himself honour among those who are out of all
degree of equality or comparison with him. And yet I have seen the
moral of my own behaviour very frequent in England since my return;
where a little contemptible varlet, without the least title to
birth, person, wit, or common sense, shall presume to look with
importance, and put himself upon a foot with the greatest persons
of the kingdom.

I was every day furnishing the court with some ridiculous story:
and Glumdalclitch, although she loved me to excess, yet was arch
enough to inform the queen, whenever I committed any folly that she
thought would be diverting to her majesty. The girl, who had been
out of order, was carried by her governess to take the air about an
hour's distance, or thirty miles from town. They alighted out of
the coach near a small foot-path in a field, and Glumdalclitch
setting down my travelling box, I went out of it to walk. There
was a cow-dung in the path, and I must need try my activity by
attempting to leap over it. I took a run, but unfortunately jumped
short, and found myself just in the middle up to my knees. I waded
through with some difficulty, and one of the footmen wiped me as
clean as he could with his handkerchief, for I was filthily
bemired; and my nurse confined me to my box, till we returned home;
where the queen was soon informed of what had passed, and the
footmen spread it about the court: so that all the mirth for some
days was at my expense.